SAHM Wardrobe

Skinny jeans. Remember when you could by a pair and not worry about the fact that your arse might pop out the top when you bent over because well you didn’t really bend over to reach things that much? And you didn’t have to worry about the material getting permanent knee marks in and then going baggy at the knee and everywhere else?!

Jewellery. Dangley earings that didn’t put you at risk of looking like Mike Tyson was an acquaintance because no-one even attempted to tug them out of your lobe? necklaces could be worn without threat of strangulation?!

My children would literally have sensory overload at this

Tops cut anywhere near your cleavage line. Nope, no one (in their right mind) is going to grab that and pull it down to reveal my barely filled bra.

Mamas, you get what I’m saying right? I am just about surviving my first summer (fashion wise) not breastfeeding and not pregnant, I can lived in shorts and t-shirts and the odd maxi here and there. Autumn and winter are not going to be my friend! Firstly does ANYONE (seriously now) know of a pair of reasonably priced (being the key word here, we have two children and one income supporting us and quite enough debt to be getting on with already thank you kindly)skinny jeans that don’t sag after one wash / one play group / playdate?! I love skinny jeans, I however cannot get on with leggings the reason being is I am blessed which I mean sincerely a large arse, I like it leggings don’t. FACT. And yes, I know they should be a staple of my wardrobe with a long length t-shirt etc but as well as being large of arse I am tall which means something that is long line on you will be regular non arse and non camel toe covering to me, and for that reason me and leggings will never be fashion friends…I do not feel comfortable with it all out there. So I need jean finding help.

Palazzo Pants – Will I ever have a reason to wear you?!

Actually I generally need some wardrobe staples advice, practical (yes yes I know that word lends vision of frumpy not fashion forward but I intend to be crawling, jumping, running, baking, cleaning and no doubt having food smushed into it as some point during each and every day) functional but fashionable, not pretty as that just ain’t me!

My shape, like all of us post baby has changed, and I am not referring to weight here but my body shape has actually changed, things I used to adore to wear just don’t look right anymore but unlike my pre child days I rarely have the time / chance to go clothes shopping and trying them on is just ridiculous, one change room, one mummy and one double pushchair is not a fun equation and it’s not that my kids are well behaved it’s the fact that unless there is a disable change room (few and far between round me, which is bad for me but worse for people with a disability, come on equality peeps get on it their need is slightly more imperative than mine) it basically means I block the aisle / hall with my pushchair nad then have to get down to my skivvies with the curtain either open or draped precariously round the pushchair which then obviously elicits the best game of peek a boo my children have ever had, cue raucous laughter and a lack of concentrating from me. Fun. So yeh, I could internet shop but then if it doesn’t fit I have to return it which means a trip to my local post office which is tiny, not pushchair friendly meaning I have to go in with a child in each hand / arm leaving my gob for the package I need to return…goodbye teeth.

I guess this look is what I have in my head it’s having the time and money to shop for it.

Mummy readers and Tall chiccas if you are out there, help. Best skinny jeans and mummy wardrobe basics recommendations at the ready please…I neeeed to get my identity back now I am no longer preggers and no longer an office worker what’s your day-to-day element proof uniform?  It’s funny, before children I never put that much thought into my wardrobe or thought as my clothes as giving me and identity, since becoming a Mum it’s like I need something, just one thing that reminds me who I was before I became the nappy changing, puke cleaning, toy tidying play machine…and having my name!!!

“Parenting”

I had seen a lot of buzz recently about this book ‘French Children Don’t Throw Food‘ and thought I would give it a read.  Don’t get me wrong, my children aren’t angels to any degree but one thing I can always rely on is their appetite, Bean has loved food from her first taste of butternut puree and Bites although a little hesitant to start never fails to amaze me at what and how much she can put away bearing in mind she has NO teeth…9 months old and nada.

Anyway, I digress (as usual!) as I said Bean has always loved food and I can hands down say I have never cooked anything that she wouldn’t eat, the stronger the flavour the better in all honesty. Cue our family trip to South Africa earlier this you to introduce the girls to the rest of the family, and suddenly getting her to eat became a Task, rather than something that just happened naturally, and it was every meal, obviously we were worried she was ill to start with and also worried about her waking up or generally just starving but she maintained the eating little routine for the entire 3 weeks, bar a 3 helping round of Jamie Oliver’s pregnant Jools Pasta, a somewhat staple in this house that thankfully my FIL also loved to make. At first we tried to bribe and coerce her into eating but after 2 days I decide to let her run with it, going by the thinking that if and when she was hungry she will eat…which she did albeit it sporadically but also random non meals.

She loves brown sauce SO much

My husband was beside himself, I was trying not to let it bother me too much but it did you can’t help but worry at such a drastic change in your child’s behavour. I am still not 100% as to what bought it on, the heat, the constant stimulation (cousins running round and TV on 24/7) or perhaps it was just the only thing she could control when everything as she knew it had changed – she was sleeping in a room by herself that she had never seen before and in a double bed and she was as good as gold so for that we thanked our stars…I think sleeping randomly trumps eating randomly I could not have coped with anymore interrupted sleep at that point especially as her sister was still waking for a night feed or two.

However, upon returning home she was back to her old ways, thankfully. But more recently it has become a battle at meals times, how much of it is my own making I’m not sure – my girls go to bed earlyish Bites @ 6.05 and Bean after the night garden (which I record incase its a bad day and she goes to bed earlier @ 6.20) so my evening schedule is a bit rushed, Bites eats no later than 4.30 as a general rule but that is too early for Bean but most days she wants to eat then with her sister and I am not joking it is SUCH a process, we can easily spend an hour at the table as she chats and faffs her way thought the meal, asking me to feed her when she is more than capable or wanting to sit on my lap and I know the reason is because I am feeding her sister so obviously she is getting less attention from me, but I can’t wait to give Bean her dinner when her sister is in bed it’s just too late (they are early risers so late bedtime means she would still wake the same time and be grumpy all day, not my idea of fun) so in the end I have to cut her meal time short and get them in the bath…but I can’t help but worry that she is not eating enough. I have cut out her afternoon snacks to make sure she is hungry enough to eat in a more concentrated manner althewhile I have this niggly feeling that really she still needs her afternoon snack as toddlers calorific needs are so great and she is always busy busy busy.

The other thing is potty training…she got it so quickly and so well I was flabbergasted and then 10 days a go poo-gate began. No telling me she needed to go even if I asked her and then just doing it, in her knickers, on the floor…it is driving me crazy we even had a poo painted bed (it was nap time to be fair to her and it leaked out the top of the pull up so she was obviously intrigued and touched it) but I am at a loss for how to deal with it – the shouting hasn’t worked, neither has telling the poo off(!) and asking her all the time just gets her (understandably) irate.

So, I am giving this book a go to see if the French have insights to offer on the matter, it’s my first foray into parenting books / advice I’ve always trusted my gut and when really panicked looked to the best known parenting sites on the web – NM & MN and I think that was pretty much in the breastfeeding days anyway…

But, dear reader if you have any advice or amazing resource I should know about please please share..or just let me know I’m not alone. (or have you read the book – what did you think?)

The week that was instagrammed : Week 5

Phew, this week has been a BUSY one. Thursday night I actually went to bed at 9pm and my husband reliably informs me that he came to see if I wanted tea at 9.15pm and I was asleep, now that is living the dream right there!

Linking up with Hannah

Sunday

After a late night Hog Roastin’ we were ready for a chilled out day, we headed to the ford (river crossing) down the road from us, had a nice stroll nosing at all the über houses and a play in the park.  I deposited the hubby and children at home before picking up my friend for a quick mooch about our local antique / second-hand place,a tea and cake and for once a uninterrupted child free chat! Then it was home, in the car and off to a local pub we hadn’t tried for an early dinner and then a good run about in the pub garden for the girls – they loved it, although I am worried Bean is something of a ring leader after she managed to gather all of the kids there into a sports day style racing game which had us and Bites in hysterics.

In the ford

I ♥ Swinging!

Hubby in the pub

Bites enjoying the pub grub

Monday

As usual my lovely Mum watched the girls for a few hours for me, she isn’t 100% at the minute but insisted on having them as she misses them otherwise, typical Nanny! So I made her lovely egg mayo rolls for lunch as a thank you, then it was home and back to wrecking the front room and garden…business as usual then.

Tower building

Wrecking

Digging…also known as wrecking

Tuesday

Hello rain!  Our planned morning stroll was cancelled in favour of cookie making with our besties…sprinkle central is all I can say, great fun was had by all. Lunch followed by a trip to good ol’ Sainsbos where I treated my girls to a puzzle and dinosaur coloring book (Bean) and Besty the Bee (chosen by Bean for BItes). Home and back to wrecking the house, Beans room this time.  Great fun, I could watch the for hours they interact in such a lovely, funny and sometimes a bit to boisterous!

Thank god I had juice for breakfast.

Yes, she has just been caught IN the dough bowl

Sprinkels on the cookies, what was I thinking.

Sitting in the rain to avoid sugar loaded toddlers

Sainsbo’s proves too mush excitement.

Sisters & Stickers

Clap clap clap

Puzzle time

Wednesday

My beautiful but feisty Nan of 82 came down to visit with her equally beautiful and feisty sister (Great Aunt @ 80) we had a lovely morning and lunch time walk into the woods, they left early to miss the traffic bless them…and no doubt bicker all the way home.  I made Lorraine Pascals sweet and sour balls for dinner and I cannot say who loved them more, me, Hubby, Bean or Bites who ate THREE aswell as rice and sauce followed by pudding. Youch.

I also submitted a picture to Clemmie @ GasandAir blog as she was writing a post on out Post Partum Tummies, something we rarely if ever mention let alone show, but after the disgraceful behaviour of a certain magazine over Kate, Duchess of Cambridge’s appearance 26 hours post baby I felt compelled to shake my stick in their direction – the post is now up so please read it, spread the word, and comment…we need to stop this degradation of women and our figures at all times in our lives. (I have written about how cross the media & toy manufactures annoy me before…)

(Great) Nanny and Bites

Mucky hands before dinner

Mmmmmm meat balls

Post Partum Tummy squidgy and striped but it grew my girls for 80 weeks bewteen them

Thursday

Not sure what I was playing at today as I decided to go on a mission…Food Shopping, new sunglass shopping (I lost my beloved but ancient D&G’s) home for lunch then back out to get Bites weighed (18lbs 7oz) Park, met friends hunted for new fairy doors, dragged ourselves to the village shop for ice cream – BIG mistake sharing with Bites, it looked like she had a beard by the end of it and I was wearing more of it than I ended up eating. Back to the car, dinner, bath and bed for the babes…instead of just chilling out I went on a mexican food mission and cooked up a little feast, and then passed out.

Diva

What’s happened to my sister?!

New shades…still not sure and I found my old faithfulls…

Desperate to follow her sister into the garden

9mo + magnum. (yes, she ran off with it, stick in hand)

RUINED!!

Mmmm, lovely end to a lovely day

Fiesta!

My favourite Nuk bottles, incidentally the only brand my bf babies tollerated.

Friday

Bit more work for me, then home to address the issue of my extremely messy house and huge pile of clean washing to be sorted whilst the girls slept, naturally they had other ideas and instead of doing it around them i thought ‘Stuff it, it can wait a few more hours I NEVER get to do fun stuff just me and them’ so we hot footed it to Wellington Country Park for a stroll to find the Dinosaurs, look for ducks and had an early tea. Lush.

Not sleeping

Cuddling Mummy dinosaur

Riding the horse with Mummy chilling in the carriage

Happy girl

Grazed knee

mmmm cheese

Who puts marshmallows as an option on a kiddies box?!?!

Saturday

No baby sitter means Hubby is Hog Roastin’ solo tonight.  Chilled out day really, bit of housework, bit of family play time, Beans first hair trim by a pro (yes, i butchered her fringe once and never again) and a solo trip for me to a Nearly New sale for a mooch…picked up a few bits and bobs. Ready to recharge now for the next week…

Gooooood

Morning

Yep, we are standing.

Hair cut!!

Thanks again to Hannah for this fab linky!

The week that was Instagrammed : Week 4

Week 4…here we go!

Sunday

We were out early doors as usual to run a few errands…but no where was open so we stopped for coffees, Bean was very hyper and ended up dancing around the deserted shop singing along to the Stereophonics Have a nice day (girls got taste). From there we went to visit my BIL and pick up my Husbands cousin who was visiting briefly from Scotland.

Juice for breakfast

Enjoyed by all!

Hyper in the coffee shop

Cuddles with her Uncle

Monday

Work in the morning, followed by lots of playing that mainly involved Bites climbing inside the doll’s house and me and Bean laughing, a lot. My Dad and his wife also came for dinner and we were up late enjoying the garden and good company.

Playing together

Pensive over her dinner

Tuesday

There is always one day in my week where I have NO IDEA what we did…today was that day!

Investigating

Attempting to escape…and unfortunatley succeeding!

Wednesday

Hmmmm…apparantly two days lost forever this week.  I think however it was mainly spent stopping Bites from pulling various wires around the house out of sockets etc. Fun times,

Thursday

Shopping trip and meeting Daddy for lunch at his fancy business park that has been all kitted out with lovely purple decks chairs for summer. Making my first recipe-less curry and admiring the flowers bringing my garden to life amongst all the dead grass!

£2.50. Result

Chasing each other at Daddies work

Gorgeous Gladioli

Perfect Petunia

Pretty Passionflower

CURRY!!!

Friday

Hanging out at my Mum’s always means fun for the girls, and while they sleep once we are back home I can get my chores sorted as I knew we had a BUSY weekend.

Adventuring

Folding in anticipation of a busy weekend

Saturday

My family descended for an impromptu lunch, which was lovely, then left leaving food (thankfully) and mess…grr!  Then it was out to work, cooking a Hog Roast for an Officers Summer Ball, which they decided to hold as a festival.  Despite the rain, it was an incredible event and after we had packed up the CO invited us to enjoy the music and everything else that was on offer – who are we to refuse!! It was so much fun, and the band at the event were EPIC, seriously cannot fault them or the mix of music, if you have an event and need a band look them up – The Treasury.

Italian inspired bacon sarnie

Reading together

Oink oink!

Hubby and an albino python

Me and FREE soft serve. Hello Mr Wippy.

The cannon of peace…irony.

 

Linking up as usual with the lovely Hannah! (check her out in her gorgeous selfie…envious of that outfit)

 

30 / 52

A portrait of my children once a week, every week in 2013

Wow, my girls are growing so fast I’m not sure I am ready to let go.  The potty training is going so well, my Bean is a bit of a camel though holding her wee in for longer than I can! As for Bites to say she loves her newly acquired skill of crawling is an understatement, she giggles away to herself and she is so FAST.  Also, this week the bond between them is getting so tight, they love to play together with Bean asking most afternoons now if we can all go and play in her room together – most days are started with these two questions “Mummy, can I have breakfast now? Where’s Bites” I love it so much…and I have been greedy this week and picked two of each of them.

Biting my hat while we played peek a boo

Getting a big cuddle from her sister and being thrilled about it

Happy we are playing in her room

RUN! Having fun visiting Daddy for lunch

26/52

“a potrait of my children once a week, every week in 2013”

Yes, I am being greedy this week with two each! The vomiting bug is thankfully behind us, that said Friday my poor little Bean took a nasty fall in the park hence the brave dinosaur sticker – thankfully it’s just a very sore swollen and bruised forearm. My heart literally broke as she slipped I was so close but just not close enough to catch her, but as this life goes I am sure that there are more opportunities in the future where I will be able to save her,and just as many where I won’t be able to.

Bites and her first gum attack on a strawberry. She seemed to enjoy it and she has been pulling herself up on any and everything this week…gahhh!! I’m not ready yet, she has also learnt to clap and she knows she’s the bees knees when she does it. Hilarious.

Not believing me when I told her that her face was as messy as her sisters and insisting on a photo for proof. diva

There is a baby in there somewhere.

From last week, I love.love.love these two images wreckless abandon 🙂 and the looks in the eyes of this brother and sister…looking like they have been caught out

Going bare.

I have two lovely little girls.  I am and always have been a tomboy.  This was obviously always going to give me conflicting feelings.

You know as a parent you want to be open so that you don’t project too much onto your children, you want as much as possible to provide a safe and secure environment to allow them to flourish.

PINK. PINK. PINK. No matter what I tell people (I flippin’ hate pink in case that wasn’t obvious) I still get bombarded with it, thankfully no one has bought one of them a tutu yet.  I know I shouldn’t be quite so ‘rahhhh’ about it, but its hard.  The media today aswell as the shops seem to force our girls to be grown up so much quicker…the make up, the clothes the ridiculous cartoons and stories where all the female protagonists are bloody fairies, movie stars and other useless or whimsical characters.

I am, for the first time in a very very long time going bare on my toe nails this summer because my little Bean is noticing and then copying everything I do, and I am not ready for her two year old toes to be varnished, Just no. I have to fight to get her into a dress, I did it once and she hated it so I won’t be doing it again…am I secretly pleased that she hates dresses and pink? Yes, no doubt about it, I love the fact that she loves to play in the mud, outside digging about to find Mummy worms.  And as for Bites, she’s still letting us know what she’s all about but I will say this – she is already pretty feisty!

Am I dreading the inevitable ‘Princess’ stage? Hell yes. Will I deny either of them a poxy princess dress if that is what they want and it puts a smile on their lovely faces? No. Of course not.  All we can do for our daughters is be strong female role models and make sure they know there is more to it all than being pretty.  Every night at bedtime I tell my babies that they are Funny, Clever, Beautiful and Special, I hope this sinks in and helps them remain confident in themselves as they get older.  Having these two young minds makes you suddenly much more aware of how you behave, I am starting to have a much healthier body image of myself because I don’t want them to grow up with body issues, I firmly believe that me being confident in myself will help them – I never once as a child remember my Mum ever moaning about her bum or worrying about chipping nail varnish or even putting make up on, she was ALWAYS jumping right in ready to have fun at a moments notice whether that was going on an epic bike ride or playing football and do you know what?  She is still running about like a loon now, my nephews actually said to her “Your not like our other nanny, she’s old. Your not, your fun”
And that is how I want my girls to see me, and behave.  They have the rest of their lives to worry about hair and make up and all that goes with it, please please just be girls for a little bit longer.

Bean, Jojo minutes old, My Mum, Nan and Bites, Bean and her friend, My Mum assisting in the delivery of JoJo (!) and Bean

Inspired by a post on Katy Hill’s new blog…and yes I was inspired by her fearless-ness in her Blue Peter days 🙂

 

Pregnancy…reality check

Yep, that’s right I need to write myself a slight reality check.

 

 

I LOVED being pregnant, after the initial morning sickness / nausea’s feelings passed it was just the most amazing experience of my life.  Growing a person, 10 toes, 10 fingers…you know the drill but when you think, and I mean really think about it for 9 months out babies grew (like little parasites I was once heard to say) from cells to tiny beings, their hearts beating inside us.  Just amazing, and I don’t care how corny it sounds it truly is a miraculous and incredible experience.

However, to stop me getting broody (or just help to remove those rose-tinted glasses) and inspired by the wonderful Hannah @ make, Do and push! who wrote this wonderful post I am writing a list of things that did really annoy me about being knocked up!

1. Booze. Or lack there of…in summer it means no large glass of chilled wine or no huge jug of pimms and a straw. Winter, no full and ripe red wines, mulled wine or copious amounts of bubbly come the festive season. Also means no beer (or five) with a curry or mexican.  Obviously you can partake in the odd glass, but me I wasn’t willing to risk it. Meaning after what feels like being pregnant forever means my hard earned drinking abilities are gone, and I’m left tipsy or with a headache after just half a beer or glass of wine. Gah.
2. Designated driver. Yep, because of above. Thanks. Again.
3. Cheese!! Amongst other things, yes pate and Rare steaks I’m talking about you. Never before have I craved pate or stinky moldy cheese so much.  Luckily I moaned so much about it when I was preggers I was lucky enough to receive copious amounts of both…yaye!
4. Maintenance. Ok, not for the first few months but by the time 6/7 months comes around unless you have a well behaved (!) other half bye toenails see you when the baby is, hmmmm 1 year old and I have some time  to paint you.  And the lady garden…seriously neglected, again unless you TRUST your other half to behave it’s kind of a no go (self maintenance wise anyway) I did have an immac related disasster…but we won’t go there 😉
5. Maternity Clothes. Er highstreet…sort it out. Please. I loved ASOS’s maternity range but found the highstreet sorely lacking and all that was there was majorly overpriced in my opinion.  That and the fact that I’m tall really made shopping fun.
6. Sense of smell / taste. Mine went into overdrive, things that I normally loved made me have severe gag reflex and near vomiting experiences, for example; Rotisseri chickens in supermarkets, generally a good smell, first pregnancy I couldn’t go anywhere near the part of the shop with them in without dry heaving, no joke, my Mum found this hilarious when shopping with me. Second time round it was mushrooms. Yep, seriously just the though of them had me yacking, couldn’t go near them in the veg aisle, wouldn’t have them in the house and if my long suffering husband even suggested them for dinner I would heave in his face (involuntarily I might add!! Why? No idea and neither of them bother me now at all. (thankfully)
7. Cuddles. Or lack there of, again this is a 3rd trimester thing but I was so all out front with both of mine that cuddles were a no go, even with Bean!!!
8. Sleep. Pregnancy insomnia. CHECK. Leg cramps whilst sleeping. CHECK. Needing to pee 45 billion times a night. CHECK. Not being able to get comfy. CHECK. I love to lie on my tummy to sleep, obviously with one in the oven, that ain’t happening, so my nighttime fidgets got worse and worse. On several occasions I made my hubby sleep at the bottom of our bed instead of the top as I was adamant it was more comfortable. (like I said, long suffering!!)
9. Chivalry. And no, I’m not talking about giving up seats, I mean the well meaning people who think pregnancy is some kind of illness leaving you incapable of many of life’s day to day going’s on.  I may sound a little rude, but as someone who is ridiculously independent this did not go down well with me. No pleasing some people.
10. Baby Movements. WAIT, don’t shoot me yet. Yes, the majority of them I loved but the ones where it looked like my precious passenger was trying to escape via my belly button…not so much. Alien like to say the least.
11. Hormones. Specifically making me cry.  Before I knew I was pregnant second time round I could not stop crying at the news Whitney Houston had passed away, don’t get me wrong she was a very talented lady but I never knew I liked her that much, I am serious when I say I could not stop crying it was awful…and then I found out I was pregnant, now I get it!
12. And the brucey bonus…My belly button. I have an outy, so as you are no doubt aware pregnancy made it a literal button for the world to see, didn’t bother me in the least (amused me greatly if I am perfectly honest) but when people tried to push it!!! No no no no no. 10 times worse than random people touching your belly. ewww.

There won’t be a corresponding things I loved post because there were hundreds of them and I would be pregnant again in no time.

Painful. (in more ways than one)

Friday marked the last day of breastfeeding for me.  As last time it is bittersweet, I know the reasons I decided to stop and I know it is the right decision, my little Bites is still her happy little self.  Me on the other hand I am walking around looking like Dolly Parton and in a lot of pain with my giant rock hard full up boobs. Sigh.

I cried, I’ll admit it Friday night I lay in bed whilst my hubby sat beside me giving Bites her 11ish feed, that was it, I knew there would be no more chest dives and wood peckering at my boobs if I was a bit slow and I was so so sad.  I have been very lucky with my breastfeeding experiences second time round I avoided cracked nipples and it was all plain sailing, she was a very efficient girl from the start the only thing that she took her time with was latching which meant a lot of milk getting sprayed in her face 😉

Sad also because in all likelyness it’s something I won’t be experiencing again, she was my last baby and I am proud to say I sustained her for 6 months, some might say too long others not enough.  But that’s the thing with breastfeeding isn’t it, everyone and their Uncle has an opinion and no one is shy about giving it…whether you asked or not.  I really wish people (NHS that’s you) would give the HONEST information, I still maintain that’s why so many of us backdown early.  That and the conflicting advice you get from each and every person you see.
In the last week I have seen two amazing posts on breastfeeding on two brilliant blogs Here and Here and it’s so nice to see the honesty, its refreshing, revealing but ultimately relieving, personally I know how hard it is and how much you feel like giving up, dreading that hungry cry because you know it’s going to hurt, sitting in the bath with two great big melons stuck to your chest milk streaming everywhere, being the only one that can sate your childs appetite. Yes, it’s a binding thing but it’s also amazing…noone but you can quench that thirst, you can proudly say that however long you stick in there that you and you alone grew your baby for X weeks / months.  IT IS BEAUTIFUL, and I don’t care what anyone in our over sexed over exposed world says it is natural 100% and rewarding as hell.

So, I could go on writing and writing about this subject because I feel so strongly about it but I won’t because I am bound to get ranty!

If you have a story please share, good or bad, I ♥ breastfeeding stories and only wish more people shared their experiences I think word of mouth and the truth is the only way we can truly understand it and hopefully help more of us choose to at least try it.

Loving Them

Them. My two gorgeous girls, gorgeous inside and out.

My two tiny miracles, not medically (unless you count being on the pill both times and under investigation for PCOS first time) but because i never knew i wanted them, never knew I would need them, I would NEVER have been ready to try for a family.
So Bean my happy accident and Bites who we would have tried for October ish instead if having her in October.

I have never questioned my love for, Bean it came hard and fast although not immediately. Not when I saw her lifted from me, not when she was placed onto my chest and certainly not while I was being manhandled during the first breast feeds. That first helpless night, legs still not working (thanks spinal block and catheter) and on an over stuffed under staffed ward I spent the night just me and her, her all tiny and permanently famished tucked inside my hospital issue gown me bewildered and beguiled by this tiny creature. By morning light I knew I would and could do anything for her. I called her my crack baby because I could not get enough of her, charming right?

I thought it would come easier second time round, and I have been beating myself up ever since because it has taken longer for it to come, or has taken me longer to notice it? I don’t know which all I know is that up until this week I have been beating myself up about it.  Feeling like she deserves better than me and that I wasn’t a good enough Mum for her, that I don’t know her well enough and I should nearly 5 months in I should know her, she’s my baby after all.

And then it hit me.  I do love her, I adore her with all of my being.  I do know what she wants and needs, and I have known it all along it’s just I have been putting other things ahead of it and then getting frustrated when she ‘moans’.  My priorities were all over the place and I was forgetting to enjoy her and this week I have enjoyed her for the amazing, individual sweet little thing she is.  And my love for her cannon balled me and i can’t believe she is five whole months old tomorrow, craziness.

I feel like a weight has been lifted even though I know it’s perfectly normal for the love to take a while, not everyone gets that rush the second they leave your uterus and are placed screaming, angry, bloody, cold and sacred in your arms and that’s ok, really it is.  It does not make you a bad Mum it makes your normal, despite the press.